When I grow up, I’ll marry you!

The Oedipus complex, an important stage in a child’s development

The Oedipus complex is characterized by excessive attachment to the opposite-sex parent and hostility towards the same-sex parent. For little girls, the term Electra complex is also used. An important developmental phase, the Oedipus complex enables the child to build his or her personality and sexual identity, notably by understanding the prohibition of incest and the place he or she occupies in society, essential for assuming femininity or masculinity.

To learn more about children’s sexual development, we offer a training program for daycare educators and parents: Sexuality in children aged 0-6

How does the Oedipus complex manifest itself?

The Oedipus complex manifests itself between the ages of and seven.

Around the age of 2 or 3, the child becomes more possessive of the opposite-sex parent, seeking his or her attention. During this phase, the child also experiences contradictory feelings towards the same-sex parent: he sees him as a rival, yet loves him dearly. The little girl wants to be like her mother: clever, intelligent, pretty and… in love with her father. For his part, the little boy admires his father and sees him as a role model, but would still like to see him disappear to take his place in his mother’s heart. He asks for more cuddles and turns on the charm to please and attract her attention. He doesn’t tolerate his parents’ displays of affection and may even seek to enter their sexual intimacy by entering their bedroom without knocking, or by trying to separate them by sitting between them, for example.

Between the ages of 3 and 5, the child sees the same-sex parent as a rival. The child has contradictory feelings towards the same-sex parent: he sees him as an adversary, yet loves him dearly. The little girl wants to be like her mother: clever, intelligent, pretty and… in love with her father. For his part, the little boy sees his father as a role model, but would like to see him disappear to take his place in his mother’s heart. Unsuccessful in his seduction maneuvers and unable to put his feelings into words, he becomes upset. His frustration is expressed in tantrums, crying spells and nightmares. He demands care from the parent he covets and confronts the other parent (the little boy who refuses to be helped by his dad to put on his shoes, for example).

Between the ages of 5 and 7, the child gradually gives up trying to take the place of the same-sex parent. He adopts behaviors similar to those of his former rival, and agrees to do activities with him. He understands that his place is as a child, and that he’s part of the family, not the couple formed by his parents. That Daddy loves Mommy, and that he has no business coming between them. Hostility towards the rival parent is transformed into admiration. The child then turns to other children to adopt masculine or feminine behaviors. This is the end of the Oedipus complex. Normally, by the age of 7, everything is back to normal.

How to react?

During this normal, but sometimes difficult, stage, parents need to pay close attention. The child’s place and role in the family must be explained. A child who wants to marry his parent, or who asks for exclusivity, must understand that he cannot take the place of a lover with his parent, and that he can have a loving relationship when he grows up. In this way, he receives two clear messages:

• If he can’t behave in a loving way towards his parent, then neither can his parent behave in a loving way towards him. This is known as the “prohibition of incest”.
• He also learns that relationships are for later. “Making love is like driving a car – you do it when you’re grown up!

Here are a few ideas for action:

• Draw clear boundaries: “Yes, I can come and cuddle you in bed, but no, I can’t sleep with you. I sleep with Mommy.

• Don’t laugh at his seduction attempts or let him think they’re working. This could encourage him to continue and could prevent him from reaching out to others.

• Don’t use vocabulary reserved for lovers with your child. For example, if one of the parents is away for dinner, avoid saying, “We’re going to eat together. Instead, say: “We’re going to eat one-on-one”.

• If your child tries to separate you, or gets angry when he sees you kissing, explain that it’s normal to exchange signs of affection, because you’re lovers.

• Encourage father-son and mother-daughter activities, to help the child identify with the same-sex parent.

• Reassure your child that you’re proud to see him or her grow up. Tell him or her that he or she too will have a lover in the future.

• Avoid being jealous of not receiving the attention reserved for the other parent. Don’t second-guess yourself unnecessarily. Children love both parents equally, even if they sometimes see you as a rival.

• Don’t make the child a witness to conflicts. If Daddy has to sleep on the sofa, the child shouldn’t feel it’s his fault…

• If the child’s aggression is directed at you, try to carry on as if nothing had happened. If, on the other hand, the child prefers you, take advantage of opportunities to highlight the other parent. For example: if the child says your pancakes are the best, you could tell him that the other parent, on the other hand, makes the best snowmen.

• Repeat often that you love your child, and that your heart is big enough for the whole family.

• Respect the child’s privacy (bathroom door closed during toileting, need to talk alone with parent, don’t walk around naked in front of the child), and respect your own (don’t answer questions about the parent’s sexuality, explain to the child that he or she can’t see or touch the parent’s breasts or genitals, parents’ bedroom door closed at bedtime).

Finally, remember that the Oedipus complex is a normal stage that will resolve itself over time. If you’re worried about your child’s reactions and behaviors, there are a number of resources available:

• Association des sexologues du Québec: http: //associationdessexologues.com/
• La Ligne-Parents: http: //ligneparents.com/coordonnees/
• Éducation-coup-de-fil: http: //www.premiereressource.com/
• Ordre des Psychoéducateurs et Psychoéducatrices du Québec: http: //www.ordrepsed.qc.ca/
• Ordre des Psychologues du Québec: https: //www.ordrepsy.qc.ca/