You have to learn to share!

“Mine!!!” cries Justin, snatching a toy out of his friend’s hands. What, at first glance, may seem like antisocial behavior is, on the contrary, perfectly normal. Children are naturally possessive and egocentric. The young child has an egocentric view of the world and is unable to put himself in another person’s shoes. He has only one point of view: his own. He is the center of a universe whose function is to meet his needs and desires. He is at one with his mother, and perceives the objects for which he has affection as extensions of himself. As long as this egocentric vision persists, the concept of sharing cannot be integrated.

It’s only around age 3, on average, that children begin to understand that others have wants and needs that differ from their own, and that they begin to perceive other people’s emotions. They cannot, however, predict other people’s reactions. For example, he doesn’t know that he’s going to make his playmate cry when he takes away a toy.

Around the age of 4, his sense of empathy develops. He becomes increasingly able to put himself in other people’s shoes and anticipate their reactions and feelings. He consoles a friend who is sad, prepares a surprise to please someone, and understands that others may have different reactions and tastes from his own. For example, he notices that Chloé is afraid of earthworms, but Mathieu is not.

Knowing how to share is an important skill to acquire in order to develop harmonious relationships with others. Since empathy is not an innate quality, we need to help children develop their sense of empathy if we want them to learn to share.

How can we stimulate children’s sense of sharing?

The concept of sharing can be difficult for a child to grasp. Here are a few strategies to help them learn:

Lead by example

The best way to help a child learn generosity is to be generous ourselves. Make exchanges with them: “I’ve got a nice truck. I can lend it to you if you like. What will you give me in exchange?” Share a treat with him, make room for him by sprawling out on the couch, or tell him that what you’re doing is for someone else (when you wrap a gift, for example). Use the word “sharing” when describing what you’re doing (for example, instead of saying you’re eating with friends, you could say you’re sharing a meal with friends). Don’t forget to show that immaterial things (feelings, ideas, stories, etc.) can also be shared.

Help children express themselves

As soon as the child begins to talk, introduce phrases that will help him or her make contact with others: “Do you want to play with me?”, “Do you want to lend me your toy? Help the child put his emotions into words. If he refuses to lend a toy, get him to express why, for example, “You don’t want to lend your book because you’re afraid your friend will break it?” If one of his friends refuses to lend him a toy, explain that his friend may not be ready to lend it right away. Point out other children’s sharing and generosity: “Look, Tina’s got crayons out for everyone!”, and praise him when he agrees to share with others. In the event of a dispute over a toy, encourage the child to find a solution on his own, rather than settling the situation for him. If he needs help to do this, offer him choices: “Do you want another toy in exchange, or do you want to lend your toy in 5 minutes?” This way, he can choose the option he prefers.

Teach children to wait their turn

When the child wants someone else’s toy, offer him another interesting toy to help him wait his turn. Create opportunities to show children that lending their things doesn’t mean losing them, by proposing activities in which they can exchange with others. For example, take part in a book exchange at the daycare center. Each child brings a book to daycare and lends it to a friend for a day or two. You can also propose activities in which the child participates according to his or her skills and interests. For example, instead of doing an individual craft, propose a collective project in which everyone can make a personal contribution. Praise the child when he gives up his turn, his place or a toy to someone else, or when he shares. Describe the feelings aroused by the child’s behavior: “You make Marie happy when you lend her your doll”.

Manage play space and equipment

If the child is having a friend over to play, you can suggest that he or she put some of his or her toys away before the friend arrives, or prepare toys that they can play with together. This will help the child feel less overwhelmed by “his” things. The same approach can be applied to daycare by planning workshop periods during which children are asked to choose from different play areas. Make sure there’s enough space for them to play next to another child, while still having room for their own toys and personal activities. You can also separate equipment to prevent one child from appropriating it all. For example: instead of storing the building blocks in one large bin, we divide them between several smaller bins. This way, when a child chooses to play with some of the blocks, there are some left over for the others.

Respect the child’s property

Name what belongs to the child (toys, clothes, etc.), and what belongs to others. This will help him understand the notion of ownership. Tell the child that the other person will take care of his toy. The child needs to be reassured that his things are and always will be his, even if someone else uses them. If the child feels that his things are being abused, he’s unlikely to want to lend them. Ask permission before borrowing, and encourage other children to do the same. Give him the opportunity to refuse. Teach the child to take care of the things lent to him, to put them back where they belong and to return them within a reasonable time. In the case of a new toy, give him time to discover it before asking him to share it. Children have the right not to want to share an object that has emotional value for them. Respect his refusal and encourage him to lend another toy.

Prioritize the process rather than the result

Children sometimes agree to show their things, without accepting that someone else should touch them or part with them. Simply agreeing to show is a step towards sharing. The child may change his mind and take back what he had agreed to share, and he may also agree to lend his things under certain conditions, such as lending only part of his things or lending with a time limit. These little conditions allow him to feel a little in control. Encourage your child by congratulating him on his efforts. The more you recognize his efforts, the more confident he’ll become and the more he’ll agree to share more and more of his things over longer and longer periods.

Use positive reinforcement

Avoid reprimanding or punishing a child who refuses to share. If you call him selfish or scold him when he refuses to share, or if you force him to lend something dear to him, you won’t encourage him to share. On the contrary, he’s more likely to become bitter about the experience and won’t be encouraged to repeat it.

At the end of the day, let’s not forget that children are the primary agents of their own development. For them, “taking” something responds to a need, whereas “sharing” something is an abstract notion. Be patient: sharing is a concept that takes time to master. As he grows up, he’ll soon discover that it’s nicer to share than to keep things to himself.